The loss of David Bowie is hitting me harder than expected. It's that age old trauma of not knowing what you have until it's gone. I saw that Blackstar came out on the 8th and I was excited to listen to it, but was finishing up an audiobook (oddly enough one with a short story called "Return of the Thin White Duke") in my free time so I put it off.
It's the dark immersive gothic space epic I'd hoped it would be by the way. If you haven't listened to it. Like Dune come to life.
It's no coincidence that David Bowie's Jareth the Goblin King was my sexual awakening. The bizarre, the strange, the unique, and universal would always go on to be my secret want. The complicated emotional villain who deeply wanted to be loved with no way of receiving.
David Bowie was the first person I heard about that was bisexual. I think for a lot of weird sexually and gender fluid teenagers he gave us permission to be ourselves. That if we could cling long enough and hard enough to who we were that eventually the world would recognize our cool.
I remember seeing The Man Who Fell to Earth when I was far too young. Besotted with the notion of seeing my new found love in another film, not just listening to Station to Station, I sat with my mother on the couch. It's the most terrifying ending to a movie I've ever seen. It made me feel sick to my stomach for days and I didn't know why. I think I was maybe 12. Maybe younger. Curiosity and honesty that ends with you being stranded and your identity never believed.
I would later learn that that movie was a very emotionally cruel moment of his life. I like to believe I could feel it.
Strange that I should enter into Bowie through films rather than music. I was a Queen girl. The first song I heard of his was Under Pressure. It felt like too much talent for one human to hold.
A social activist by simply being and questioning people's unthought out assumptions.
I preferred him with his fucked up teeth. I still loved him when they were perfect.
I hope Tilda Swinton plays him in his biopic.
I don't know. Today I'm just sad and I want to talk about him. For some reason the world feels less accepting without him here.