Anxiety: Now with pictures!

Every time I’ve sat down to write over the past couple of weeks I move away from it. Mainly because the stuff that’s happening in my life feels so much more personal than it has in the past. 

I’m really investing in things I care about in real and tangible ways and I’m pretty sure I had a mental breakdown yesterday. 

Ok… exaggeration. 

I had an anxiety attack so intense I could not leave my bed. Called out of work with a migraine, but really it was an “I can’t handle pretending like working here satiates my creative needs” kind of day. 


It’s weird. I know so many people who panic because they don’t know what they want. I panic because I know the things I want, and want them so intensely, that the thought of not having my desired experience is crippling. 

I care way too much about this shit. 

I just want to create. Connect. Share. Retreat. Give and get. All the time. Every moment of the day. Until I am fucking spent. I want to live life in a way that consumes me. 

But right now my lack of pursuing my goals with every waking moment is eating me alive.


I get home and I am exhausted from work. Slink off to my land of video games where I can pretend I’ve accomplished something, or to an improv show to get my hit of the performance drug. 

I don’t know. There is good stuff. Lots of crazy good stuff happening. (My commercial aired on the premiere of Walking Dead. I was in the viral phenomenon ”Women of LA.” I just auditioned for a series regular on a pilot after being in LA for less than 2 years.) I’m just too focused on what my end goal is, and trying to figure out the how of achieving it. 


“You never really know, but when they know, you’ll know, you know?” - Crush

I like watching movies in theaters relatively alone. I can let my feelings consume me and bust out into whatever form they want to take, or sit quietly with them. Things I don’t allow myself to do normally. 

I wish I would have gone to the movies yesterday.