I’ve never struggled with feeling worthless. That’s not my journey, but there is this little thing, this ultimate destructive force, of feeling like I’m not enough. It seriously baffles me to watch the way it crops up in my life now that I’m aware of it.
I pick guys that think they aren’t enough in the hopes that they will have low expectations. Ya know… since I will never be enough. And if they expect nothing we are already at a surplus. Then their feeling of inadequacy makes them think that the amount of love I am capable of giving them is too great. They’re not strong enough. Which makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. I’m not good enough. Which inevitably makes me feel ‘if I was more “something” they could love me.’ Skinny, smart, funny, guarded, mysterious, open.
I choose a profession that is based on other people’s opinion and sometimes I trick myself into thinking that I haven’t practiced enough, my headshots aren’t me enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not charactery enough, I’m not malleable enough for these people to think they can get me on the casting couch for an hour or two. You can. I promise you can, just call me in for an audition. Seriously though, you can’t.
In dieting, I’m not eating enough vegtables. I’m not working out enough. I’m not pushing myself hard enough. I’m not accepting myself enough where I am now so I can finally be enough.
ENOUGH WITH THE NOT ENOUGHS ALREADY LADY!
The truth is, by being born, I was born enough. I was born worthy of love. Worthy of my perfect self. Worthy of my imperfect self. Worthy of being seen. Worthy of being accepted. Worthy of acting totally unacceptable. And everyone else is enough. No one needs to be more anything. I don’t need to be more myself. I am as enough of myself as I could possibly be in this moment.
And how beautiful. And how lucky. And how enough is this moment.